At The End of All Things
by anAnomaLy
Summary: The night the Potters died, Sirius Black lost everything.


Standard Disclaimer Applies.

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"Sirius, I don't understand why you're so anxious. I'm sure everything is fine," Remus Lupin said calmly, his eyes trained on the pieces in front of him on the wizarding chess board. Across from him was Arthur Weasley, who wore a look of extreme frustration on his face as he was yet still unable to beat Remus in their fifth game going.

"I just need to check," Sirius snapped all his frustration visible on his fists. Ever since he had traded secret keeper places with Peter, he had been worried from day one about his choice. He knew that he would have been the obvious choice for secret keeper for the Potters' and therefore, easily captured. And then where would they be? James was the one person Sirius couldn't stand to lose and he needed to find the smartest way to protect them.

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"_I dunno, Padfoot. Wormtail looks sort of meek don't you think?" James said ruffling his hair and straightening his spectacles. In the background, Lily was making some tea and trying to coo at Harry who would not put down his toy broomstick._

"_That's the idea," Sirius replied. "Look, James, they'll all go for me. I'm a prime target and you know it. No one would ever suspect you'd pick Wormtail!"_

_James considered it, pursing his lips and tapping his chin, while Lily came out and put the tea down, situating herself on the coffee table to listen in. He glanced at Lily, doubtfully, and then back at Sirius, who looked like a desperate man._

"_You really think this will work?" he asked finally._

_Sirius had a moment of doubt. James' life was literally in his hands and he was overcome with the burden of that responsibility. Life seemed to be suddenly precious to him and he wasn't sure what the right thing was and what was wrong. He swallowed thickly, his eyes on the carpet, before nodding his assent._

"_Alright, mate. I trust you. Don't kill me, yeah?" James said, and there was a joking glint in his eyes but Sirius couldn't bring himself to smile. Anxiety was driving him to the breaking point and it was all he could do to sit still and not run amok trying to murder Voldemort himself. "Oi," James said and Sirius felt a toe nudge his leg. "It'll be fine," James told him confidently. "Sooner this whole messy thing is over, the sooner I can get the hell out of this house."_

"_James," Lily said exasperated. "Would you mind your language in front of the infant?"_

"_What? What did I say?"_

_It was just another everyday moment, Sirius saw, and his eyes fell upon the green eyed toddler who had just run up to him: his godson, Harry; the boy who had a target on his forehead. "Up!" Harry ordered Sirius who lifted the kid onto his knee. Harry giggled, clapping his hands, his hair sticking up like James'. Sirius sighed and curled an arm almost protectively around the child, who squirmed in his godfather's grip, anxious to get to his mother who had pulled out a biscuit._

"_I think a drink is in order," James announced, obviously feeling Sirius' nerves and perhaps his own. He got to his feet and walked into the kitchen, while Sirius sat there, just looking at them as if he would never see them again._

"_You look like death is on your doorstep, Sirius," Lily told him catching the biscuit that Harry dropped before it fell on the floor. "Calm down. James is right. Nothing is going to happen to us." But Sirius could see the doubt in her eyes. She was a mother, possibly desperately worried over her child, silently begging him to keep them safe._

_-_

The world disappeared behind him. Sirius wove through the clouds, the weather being rather chilly for Halloween. Perhaps that was what had gotten his nerves into such a twist: Halloween. Jack-o-lanterns glared up at him as he started his descent towards Peter's hideout. Already a lump was in his throat. It had barely been a week since they made the switch. He stashed the bike, getting off and headed in.

"Worm?" he called out hoping to see at least his close friend's animagus form, but there was no answer. "Wormtail?"

Something felt off and dread had overcome Sirius. He told himself he was overreacting. Peter could have easily gone to get groceries. Peter did do the slipping in and out of things often.

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"_Not yet, you prat!" the stag's whisper came over the wind but it was too late for the rat to listen. Peter had already darted between the roots, freezing the tree with just a touch. Sirius, the dog, glanced up at James whose stag form had become unnaturally still. He was listening for the approaching beast, fearful that Remus was rushing towards them with blood on his mind._

"_I think we're good," Sirius said, his voice almost cheerful. He was the first to disappear down the hole and to earn a very annoyed, "MORON!" from above. Sirius ignored it, laughing to himself as he trotted down the tunnel, soon flanked by both the rat and stag._

"_Sirius, you could get hurt like that!" Peter squeaked anxiously._

"_Says the rat that froze the tree," Sirius huffed, glancing at James' silently reproachful figure._

"_Wormtail is right," James said before they reached the end of the tunnel. "Listen before you leap, Padfoot."_

"_You've got the saying wrong."_

"_You KNOW what I mean!"_

_Peter darted in first, checking the range before jumping back down. "Okay, we're good. He's by the window doing the little whimper thing."_

"_Oh I hate the whimper thing," James complained._

_But the rat was gone, already up to comfort their lycanthropic friend._

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Sirius had never believed in intuition quite like he did that moment. It was telling him that there was something horribly amiss. He wouldn't wait for Peter to get back, well aware that he might already be dead and there could be a trap waiting for him. His mind was focused on three people now: James, Lily, and Harry. He needed to get there as soon as he could. He needed to do something. He needed to save them. Their lives were entrusted to him, he could not let them down.

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"_I don't even know what to say to you right now."_

_Even Sirius didn't know what to say to himself. He just stood there, at the mercy of his best friend. No matter how many punches James threw, Sirius never fought back once. Behind him, Remus sat there, his eyes trained on the ground, expressionless. What had he been thinking? How could he be so selfish? How could he hurt Remus like that? Everything had just become too much. So much._

"_Why?!"_

_Sirius looked up into the questioning face of James Potter._

"_Why did you do it?"_

_Why did he do it? He hadn't been thinking obviously. He had done it because he thought that Snape deserved it. He deserved to meet a werewolf at the end of the tunnel. Did he think far enough ahead to realize the repercussions? And now Remus wouldn't even look at him. He could already see the emotions battling in his eyes. Betrayal. Acceptance. Forgiveness. Of course, Remus wouldn't hold it against him. It wasn't Sirius' fault that he was a werewolf. Damn him._

"_James, just, enough," Remus pleaded._

"_No," James snapped. "I'm not letting this go like that. You FUCKING moron." How many more hours of this would he have to endure before he crumpled into tears? "Answer my fucking question! WHY?"_

"_James," Remus insisted. "Please."_

"_Shut up." James was beyond furious. He was more furious than even Remus. Sirius didn't even think Snape had as much fury as James did at this moment. Another punch landed on Sirius, and he flew backwards, hitting the wall and sinking down against it. "ANSWER ME!" James screamed._

_Peter was crying in the corner. He had fetched James at the last moment. He was probably terrified that Sirius was going to kill him later, but Sirius had no desire for revenge then. He just wanted James to hit him as hard as he possibly could._

"_He didn't mean it," Remus insisted, his merciful eyes trained on Sirius' slumped figure. "He didn't mean it. It was just a stupid joke. An accident. Let him go, James. He's suffered enough."_

"_No he hasn't," James retorted. "He just betrayed us. I trusted you, Sirius. You can't even defend yourself!"_

_People were starting to gather and watch. Several anxious faces looked on as James unleashed all seven levels of hell on his best friend, who could only sit there and feel sorry for himself._

_And then the tears finally came._

"_CLEAR OFF!" James shouted, the regal note of Head Boy in his voice. The moment Sirius had seemed to crack was the moment James had decided to relent a bit. As if he wanted to make sure Sirius felt as sorry as he possibly could feel. "GET BACK TO YOUR DORMS! NOW!"_

"_I'm sorry," Sirius choked. He didn't care if half of Gryffindor Tower had poked in to see the end of the fight. He couldn't see them anymore. He could only grip his own hair, eyes cast downward, ashamed._

_Peter shut the door, until it was just the four of them again, and locked it with his wand._

"_It's alright," Remus assured him._

"_Merlin, Padfoot," James said putting a hand over his face and sitting down. Sirius knew that it would be a while before he could earn his trust back._

_But he could handle that. What he couldn't handle, was Remus' full forgiveness. Remus had swooped down on Sirius, now that the way was clear of James' tantrum, and pulled Sirius into a comforting hug. Sirius couldn't push him away, no matter how hard he tried. No matter how much this hugging thing was just awkward to him, he couldn't do any wrong to Remus now._

"_I know you've been upset, what with your family and all," Remus assured him. "I know you weren't thinking. It's okay. People make mistakes. I know you didn't intend to hurt me and I forgive you. So come on. Stop it, Sirius."_

"_You're undermining your manhood," James grunted. It was as close to forgiveness as he was going to get that night. "Get him some tea, Worm. And an ice pack."_

-

Sirius had vowed to never ever betray them again, no matter what it took. James knew that, and trusted Sirius because of it, but Sirius had yet to fully trust himself. As he flew past roads, he no longer saw his surroundings. His thoughts were a thousand miles away. He remembered the days that he and James would flip people upside down just for the hell of it. James' laughter echoed in his head. Remus would just watch them disapproving while Peter clapped on. What if he was dead? No. He couldn't be. Sirius wouldn't think it.

The sight hit him before it ever registered. The Dark Mark was glaring at him as he flew towards it. It mocked him. Sirius went unhealthily pale and landed the bike, stumbling over it to retch. He was overreacting. It wasn't James. It wasn't the Potters. They were fine. It had to be someone else. Or he was hallucinating! A black cat jumped out, hissing because of the vomit. Sirius backed away, dragging his sleeve across his mouth and mounting the bike again.

"God give me strength," he muttered and started the bike with an almighty roar. He tore down the streets until he was in Godric's Hollow, refusing to look at the Dark Mark. He wouldn't believe it until he saw it all himself. He threw the bike from him the moment he stopped it and ran nearly mad into the house. His breath rose and fell manically. The house was in ruins. Had they escaped? Who had been killed?

The sound of a shrieking baby filled Sirius with hope he dared not have. They were okay. He ran towards it, throwing rubble out of the way, until he saw Harry, sitting next to his mother's dead body, shrieking his head off from the pain in his head. A huge lightning bolt shaped gash had slit his forehead. The moment he saw Sirius, he reached for him, unable to get Lily's attention. But where the hell was James? Had he gotten out?

"I've got you," Sirius said hushing Harry and refusing to acknowledge the dead woman. Harry clung onto Sirius' jacket sniffling and mumbling. "Shhh," Sirius bounced the baby up and down until Harry finally quieted, relieved to be safe at last but completely exhausted.

Sirius turned to the corpse. His face had gone completely white. He knelt down, touching his fingers to her forehead. She was barely warm, the death had just taken place, but she was undeniably dead. "Lily," he mumbled, as if just calling her name would bring her back. His entire body had gone numb with shock. He remembered Lily so well. How they used to laugh. How they would fight like life long siblings. James would grow so exasperated that he had given up choosing sides with them when it came down to it. He remembered the way she would scratch his head in his dog form, to the countless advice she would give him on subjects too embarrassing to bring up in front of guys. The long hours in the bar they would spend together going over old memories and new ideas. She endured his laughter, she endured his rage. She had entrusted her life to him…

…and he had failed her.

The realization hit him hard, and he had to sit and put his head between his knees. Harry patted his leg, possibly trying to wonder what was going on. Sirius let out a single anguished sob. He wasn't a crier. He rarely shed tears. This was the first in years and it was over Lily's death.

Her body was broken from the rubble, but Sirius repaired it with his wand. She was no longer a living being anymore, and yet he couldn't look at it another way. He lifted the corpse in his arms, not knowing what to do with it, while Harry toddled after him, clinging onto his leg.

"Da," Harry said finally and Sirius had to stop and take a breath. He put Lily's body down on the softer part of the property, where there wasn't any rubble and enough grass. She looked peaceful there, as if dreaming, and Sirius closed those glassy green eyes forever more, tears dripping freely over her face like rain.

"Da!" Harry insisted.

Sirius looked at him, mesmerized by Harry's eyes. Lily's eyes. He was even giving Sirius the same imploring look that Lily always gave him when Sirius wasn't paying attention. "Stop," he begged him. "Don't look at me that way."

"Da," Harry said exasperatedly, tugging on Sirius's arm. This time, his actions mimicked James when James was trying to get Sirius to do something.

"I'm not your…" his voice trailed off finally realizing what Harry was trying to tell him. Da. Dad. James.

Harry was trying to take him to James.

"No," Sirius said. "I can't. I can't go there."

"Da," Harry insisted.

"Please Harry. Please, I'm begging you. Just be quiet for five minutes, okay?" Sirius knew that it was senseless to beg a one year old to shut up. But he couldn't face anything else just yet. He wanted to curl on the ground and just die too.

"Siwius," Harry sang. "Pa'foo'."

"Harry, please."

"Me Hawwy."

"Yes, I know," Sirius moaned.

"You Siwius!"

Sirius sighed.

"Mummy there."

His throat tightened.

"AND DA!"

Sirius wanted to kill something. Break something. Kill himself! Anything to make Harry just shut up. Every word was a dagger in the heart.

"We are fam'wy," Harry sang trying to copy the 1979 song that James and Sirius always sang to entertain Harry. He couldn't get enough of it. And right now, Sirius didn't even think Harry had grasped the full meaning behind it.

"Yeah," Sirius said holding his arms out. "C'mere you."

Harry happily ran up to him, switching his tune to a terrible imitation of the Beatles. Obviously, James had tried to instill his love for the band into his son.

"Love you, Munchkin," Sirius said quietly ruffling Harry's hair. Harry obviously didn't understand what he was talking about, and the curse scar glared at him. He wondered idly what happened to Voldemort when he realized he didn't even care.

"Da," Harry said again, kicking his legs.

The song that Harry had been singing was now registering in Sirius's mind and as he walked, eyes cast elsewhere, to the place where he knew James was, he started to sing along, his voice choked and cracked and completely off key. If James were to hear him, he might laugh and tell him to shut up before his glasses exploded. James's voice was in his head. He could imagine him speaking to him as he sang.

"What would you think if I sang out of tune?"

_Padfoot, you ARE out of tune._

"Would you stand up and walk out on me?"

_I'm seriously considering it, actually._

"Lend me your ears and I'll sing you a song."

_NEVER._

"And I'll try not to sing out of key."

_Good luck on that one! Ha ha!_

"Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends."

_Mm, I get high with a little help from my friends._

"Mm, gonna try with a little help from my friends."

_Ooh, I love the next part. Don't ruin it!_

"What do I do when my love is away?  
Does it worry you to be alone?"

_How do I feel by the end of the day?  
Are you sad because you're on your own?_

"God, yes," Sirius replied to the voice in his head, unable to take another step for a minute. But the phantom voice of James had started and just wouldn't stop.

_No, I get by with a little help from my friends._

"Where the HELL are you?"  
_  
Mm, get high with a little help from my friends.  
_  
"SHUT UP!"  
_  
Mm, gonna try with a little help from my friends._

"Try WHAT?"

His foot had connected with something and Sirius blinked down, taking in the messy black hair first.

"I have to put you down now, Harry," Sirius said and put Harry slowly onto the ground before sitting down next to him.

"DA!" Harry yelled and pulled at James's robes.

_No, this can't be happening._

"DA!"

_This is just a nightmare. A really bad nightmare. From the stress._

"DA! UP!"

_Make it stop! Make it stop! Wake up! Please wake up…_

Harry had begun to cry, upset that James was not responding to him. This was no longer a game for the child anymore. Neither of his parents was giving him attention. Absently, Sirius reached out and fixed James's glasses before everything just seemed to explode.

He wasn't sure exactly what had happened, but a monster had risen up within him. And he could only yell and scream and hit and cry like a baby. He shook James's body, but nothing happened. He yelled at it, slapped it, nearly kissed it, desperate for something. "Shit, don't do this to me!" he screamed. "Please James. You can't! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU!"

Harry's innocence was being corrupted and Lily would not like that but Sirius couldn't care right now. He buried his head into the dead man's shirt, clutching at it. James was limp. Lifeless.

It was like the worst boggart imaginable come true.

"HELLO?"

The shout came far off, but Sirius didn't hear it. He was torn with grief.

"Sirius!"

It was Hagrid. Sirius could tell by Harry's gasp. He felt the toddler's tiny fist close upon his robes, frightened by suddenly seeing someone so large. Sirius had no comfort to offer. He was surprised Harry even was approaching him. Sirius was screaming so loud, he must have looked terrifying. But Harry was used to Sirius' loud voice.

"I got yeh."

"DON'T TOUCH ME! GET THE FUCK OFF ME!"

"I got yeh."

Sirius yelled one more time, and then he went limp. His face was devoid of color and he was shaking head to foot. He needed to cling onto someone, anyone, anything, and Hagrid was the only thing there.

The great hand beat down upon his back as he sobbed, just like an unrestrained child, possibly harder than he had ever grieved in his entire life. He couldn't imagine more pain if he tried. Every bit of him was hurting terribly. It was so bad that he had vomited.

"Easy, easy," Hagrid comforted. Time started to pass by, and Sirius could not be consoled until finally, exhaustion got the better of him. "You go on, Sirius, yeh need to get home. Get back to the Order. Tell 'em what happened. Remus is going to want to know."

"I can't," Sirius squeaked. His voice was a sick rendition of what it had once been. Horribly cut off and distorted. He was leaning heavily against a tree in the front of the yard. James' and Lily's bodies were now hidden from his view. From Hagrid's arms, Harry peeked at him and Sirius remembered the family song he had been singing earlier. Harry was legally his now. He was the only family Harry had left. He would raise Harry, like his own son. Well, possibly better than he would his son for Lily's sake. For the first time in hours, he felt a small glimmer of hope. A link to Lily and James still existed. "Give him to me, Hagrid. I'm his godfather. James wanted me to have him."

Hagrid looked sympathetic. "Sorry, Sirius. I got me orders from Dumbledore. Have to give 'em to his Aunt and Uncle. For his protection see?"

Of course, Dumbledore assumed he was the killer. The idea was so absurd, Sirius laughed.

"Take my bike then," Sirius said dully. "Take it. I won't need it." If Dumbledore suspected his hand in the murder of Lily and James, then it would only be days before he was arrested and sent to Azkaban. He didn't care. There were a few things he needed to do before anyone did anything to him. He had lost everything. He had lost Harry. He no longer cared what happened to himself.

"Yeh'll be okay?" Hagrid asked concerned as he accepted the bike.

"I'll be fine," Sirius assured him, clearing his throat so that his voice was a little stronger.

"All righ', just makin' sure." He took off into the night but Sirius had already gone. He had taken one last look at the dark mark before his mind was made up.

Peter Pettigrew was going to die.

There could be no other explanation. Even if Peter was captured and tortured, he still told. Sirius would have rather died. He would have died. He wanted to die now. But first he wanted to kill.

Sirius had shown that he was capable of murder at age sixteen. He was raised in a household unlike his friends, and looked upon the brutal carnage of war in a very different way. He would kill if he had to, and he knew it. And he would kill Peter.

Every ounce of affection he had ever felt for Peter had turned to a blinding form of hate. Sirius apparated back to see Remus one last time before the truth was out.

"Sirius?"

Remus' voice sounded anxious. It was well past dark. The headquarters had been cleared but Remus had stayed, anxious for Sirius' return.

"Oh thank goodness, I thought something might have happ—"

"James is dead."

Whatever color that was in Remus' face, it had drained out. "What?"

"James. He's dead."

Remus' face changed and Sirius understood why. Remus didn't know about the switch. James had kept it hidden from all those uninvolved and they didn't want to put Remus in any more danger than he was in. Remus was putting two and two together, but he couldn't seem to accept the result.

"I don't…understand. Why would you…?" He just stared at Sirius questioningly, too shocked to make a move.

"It's not what you think," Sirius began but Remus was already shaking his head.

"Leave. Just. Just go. I can't. Just…" Remus stuttered stuffing his fist into his mouth and biting down.

Sirius flinched at the rejection, but knew it was useless. Once Peter was dead, everything could be right again. No, nothing would be right again. Because James was dead. But at least…at least they would know. He said nothing to Remus who had seemed to feel the same way about him that he felt about Peter at that moment. Remus may have wanted to kill him, but he lacked the nerve at that moment. He could only sit numbly in his chair long after Sirius had gone.

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Written for anAnomaLy, with love, by Sarah.


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